You Want Pancakes And Eggs With That Bipolar Brain
77
Not Such A Good Day
I had a horrible visit at the psychiatric doctor one Friday morning. I was there for my bipolar medication check-up. Things went completely wrong from the very beginning, I slipped into one of my impulsive episodes within an hour of being in his office to leaving. I was aware I was angry, It was becoming full case of rage, I could feel myself disappear. By the time I got home I was fully overwhelmed with how terrible I thought the appointment went.
I abruptly, and quite impulsivly started with the computer. Deleting all my networking sites. My Facebook, digg, Google Reader, Blogged, Friend Feed, all of them. I can't explain or give any romantic reason why I was erasing myself from the Internet and all my friends. I can barely remember doing it. But I do remember I felt I was outside my body watching myself destroy my internet life. One little tap at a time.
That is how quickly a bipolar disorder episode can manifest itself. Having just one little trigger turns your emotions into a raging river. Episodes like these are the ones I am NEVER prepared for. They devour every part of my soul. It compares to being in a drunken blackout. It is over by the time you realize what you have done. Going from one thing to the next, throwing away whatever reminds you of something you hate. Which is yourself. So pretty much everything in my path was not safe. Things were torn, shredded, dragged away or broken into small bits. The old sofa was a challenge, but I succeeded if you want to call it that.
It started when my psychiatric doctor basically told me he didn't know what to do to help me feel better. I had been having severe psychotic mania with a little bit of depression then right back into mixed/rapid cycling. I won't even mention the Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. But yeah that too. I was a dog on a leash that didn't want to be tied down. He handed me a DVD on the affects of Clozaril. That being the last step if the 160mgs of Geodon, and 900mgs of Seroquel didn't help. He wants to do it in a hospital setting, I however do not!
I am running out of options, and for him to tell me that was daunting and sad. So his last resort is Clozaril and ECT treatments. I of course refused such a thing. My mother had them when she was younger, and I don't relish the idea of my brains being scrambled eggs and pancakes. There is always another way. There is always another medication. Bipolar Disorder is not the end of the world. Or is it?
To the people who don't have a clue, I am just some crazy chick acting like a spoiled brat. If only! I could explain being a snot nosed spoiled rotten brat, but to explain something so dark and twisted going on in my head is not so easy. With this behavior we are nuts to the outside looking in. We scare them, they believe we are hopeless fruitcakes. No matter how many times I say stop to myself I keep going, just like one of those other people looking in.
I became so enraged, I didn't know what else to do, I was exhausted from the rampage my apartment just took. So I took some ativan, shut the phone off and locked the door. Stayed in my bed for two days. Angry sleep is never a good thing. I hurt everywhere on my body and suffered a massive headache. I got depressed for 5 minutes and am right back in a mixed/rapid cycling nightmare. I am sick of craziness, I am tired of pulling around a wagon full of chaos.
Starting Over Is Not So Easy
I want to live, not bipolar's life. Not ocd's life. I thought I was past all this, but apparently I am not. I can't write because I can't think, and this is where my anger appears to be coming from. My bipolar rage resides squarely out front for all to see. A sad side-note: My eleven year-old nephew made me a sign, Do Not Disturb, my thirteen year old niece said: "Life's not fair, but it's all good. I wish it was good for you". I need to empty my chaos wagon. I need to find a way to chastise that rage.
It's not like I can just BUY a new couch, dishes, books, DVDs and other stuff I am going to miss not having. For children to empathize this, is beyond their years. To understand my pain and embrace that to make me feel better. They didn't have to do anything, but they did. They didn't SEE me that way, they just knew I was having a bipolar episode. Sleeping two days, not answering the phone, not calling anyone, they understand what is happening when I disappear.
I wish more people knew what these kids knew. The compassion, the empathy to want to do something to help. Instead they just share their love and hope that's enough. Bipolar Disorder is an evil soul slayer. You become unknown to yourself. You pretend to be normal so the fruitcake sign on your back doesn't mean anything. And then you wait, for that episode to go away, and you wait again, for one to come and devour you. Give me acting like a spoiled rotten child, it wouldn't hurt as much.
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I don't think you're spoiled or a brat or any combination of the two. I think you're the victim of the limits of modern medicine. They can't do much for us. That being said, ect is different now as compared to when your mom had it. Maybe one go at it might make you feel more at easy. If it makes you feel terrible then stop. One thing I always try to remember is that I am fucked up. Sometimes I may not make the best choices and if I trust someone else it might be okay to just try out their advice. Sometimes it can help.
Thank you Lorraine for your insight. It is often troubling when people do not understand or don't even attempt to grasp what a world of mental illness may be like. I truly believe in don't judge until you've walked a mile in someone else's shoes. I appreciate your comments greatly. Thank you.
Wow, thanks for sharing, how brave. It's impossible for anyone to understand any condition unless they have experienced it but you describe this so well and with such openness. I think the more open people can be about these conditions the more other people can start to understand, like the comment you made about how small the trigger for an episode can be and how little you remember. Thanks for sharing.
Oh seakay you are so right. During these episodes your blind to the darkness of it all. It is the debris left after the chaos.I am doing better these days. I keep pretty good track of all my moods. Some I can articulate well and others I cannot. Thank you for reading and caring. It is very generous of you, I appreciate more than you can know.
Boo :)
Is think the worst part is the aftermath of the episodes. While it is happening, you can't stop. However, when it is over, sometimes you're not even sure it happened (except for the evidence left behind. Try to hang on.
lambservant thank you so much for sharing your thoughts here with me. I can't tell you how many jobs I have lost due to my illness. Because of rage, or not being able to get out of bed. Insanity. There is much self-loathing because of there is so much stigma, hopefully one day people one day people will have a better understanding of mental illness.
I am so glad you wrote down your feelings on this hub. It will help others who do not have bipolar to understand in a way, what goes on in our hearts and minds when we are having bad days. I hope it was in some way helpful to you to express your feelings. I think the mixed moods are the worst and most dangerous for me. I have bipolar 2, so I am rarely fully manic. They call it hypomania and most often results in high frenetic activity, thought, and talking. It is a wonderful, and in the beginning, productive time, until I start to go over the edge. On a few occasions I have had the rage thing, although never destroyed anything. I went into a rage one night at work (worked in a deli at a grocery store), and screamed and yelled at one girl, throwing her into absolute fear and tears, then went across the store and raged at her friend who is also a good friend of mine. It was terrifying for me to have no control. I thought in my mind when it was happening, I have to calm down, I cannot behave this way. But the rage was like a volcano. No one can stop a volcano. I could not control myself. The second girl and I did not talk for a while, although I apologized profusely. I think it was more out of fear than being mad. But when we made up, and I was able to share my illness with her, our relationship is now closer than ever. I am very thankful there were no customers or managers nearby when I went off. I eventually lost my job there due to my illness causing me to not perform up to par. The greatest problem for me has been the lows combined with serious anxiety (which I think are mixed moods). Bipolar 2 manifests more predominantly in the depression. And the lows for me are life threatening. Biplar sucks! It's a horrible, nightmare when the symptoms are not in control. Nothing can be more contributing to self-loathing, guilt, shame, and embarrasement. And it doesn't help that most people don't understand, don't have a clue what mental illness is all about. My heart goes out to you sister. Know you are loved by your sister and brother sufferers, and for the few in society, who care to make an effort to understand. God bless you, and you will be in my prayers.
When I have those rages it is usually pretty impulsive. I have destroyed some pretty expensive things that were given to me, and can't be replaced. I have beat myself up over it for years.
I think the idea is to see it coming and take steps to direct that rage someplace else. I am not sure what throwing things away signifies, but when it happens the urge is great.
I know exactly how you feel. I go through bad episodes like this regularly because I have no health care right now and cannot afford to be medicated without it. Recently I destroyed my entire computer account on our computer, which indluded deleting all my files. I had about five seasons of classic Dr. Who, two years worth of photos from my family in Ohio, and my not-quite-half-finished novel stored on the computer. Luckily the Dr. Who episodes could be replaced and I had backups of the photos and the novel...explaining these things to my wife is the hard part. She doesn't understand and feels like she "is being abused by a three year old." In a way I suppose she is, but it's not something I can control at the moment, as much as I try.
For now we have the throwing things issue under control for the most part but things still get destroyed occasionally and after a meltdown, I can be in a daze for hours after, which is a dangerous place to be if my wife falls asleep before I do. (Just the other day I had a meltdown, and in the dazed state I was in after, I tried to cook. The result was a kitchen fire that caused us to have to evacuate for several hours due to smoke.)
Hi Chris,
I hope you are doing better. I so get those rages, and I have destroyed things that can't be replaced as well. What always made me feel bad afterwards was trying to explain what happened to the things I ruined.
I really hate when someone takes the time to point out a grammar error. It's like you either liked the article or you didn't. I am sorry that it upset you so much. But again I understand. People can be morons. As if the person who corrected you is perfect. I don't think so. It happens, even if you went over it a hundred times, you sometimes miss that one little error.
That person sounds like they just want to be hurtful. The heck with them. And yes even something like that can trigger you if your already heading in that direction.
Don't let some nitwit ruin your joy. You made front page for a reason. Because you write well. That is awesome! Keep up the great work.
Boo :)
D,
I know exactly what you mean. In this particular weeks episode of being out of control, I destroyed a grandfather clock that cost me about $500.00, a painting that was a collectors until I shredded it about $4000.00 dollars. I broke my complete procelain collection of dolls, and proceeded to tell everyone where to get off. The Trigger" an article that I wrote for examiner that got front page on that site, and someone had to piss in my cornflakes and say great but you need to learn to spell check". That was all it took. When I am on the rollercoaster,way up there as I am now, I am very productive. I am usually an excellent speller and very concise in fact checking. But when I am in this stage a typo here and there may slip by me. I try to re-check my articles when I am "Normal" HAHA. Whatever that is. It's somewhere I visit sometimes but rarely live. I have been stable for over 10 and 1/2 years and stick faithfully to my medical regime including counseling when I feel I need it. But the article making front page on the site was a great accomplishment for me that someone had to just pick apart. You will always have bad days too, even with meds. Hang in there and contact me through my private email if you just need to talk or whatever,
Happy Holidays & Warmest regards,
Chris
That is exactly what it feels like, with the severe episodes it is hard to retain my exact movements, I have to go with what others have observed. Thank you for commenting :D
Out of body experience...trance...that is exactly what it seems to be. I understand. -OSun
Thank you. It's people like you we need on our side. Those willing to at least take a look at how hard life can be with a mental illness.Regardless if you understand or not you are willing to learn about the tribulations it takes to conduct a day to day life. Your support means a lot to me.
Boo:)
Wow.....in a nutshell you have expressed yourself very well. Even though I cannot relate, I understand your pain, I wont act as though I have an answer to solve this problem but I do hope that you will receive the unconditional love needed to remove this demon.......best wishes and I sincerely mean that! ciao
crazybeanrider Hub Author 10 months ago
Believe me I I think about ECT every single day. Just have a hge fear...Regardless how far we have come it worries me about memory loss as I loss enough with the anti psychotics that ruined my memory. But it is on my mind as a consideration.